I believe one of the biggest reasons Christian Marriages fail is because one or both people become more selfish. When you have two people working on their relationship and one or both start making choices that put self first instead of their spouse, you have a disaster waiting to happen.
There are so many things I could talk about here but what leads to this selfishness? It is usually people starting to become numb within their marriages. As I watch many people, you can tell that the numbness has started. It isn’t something that starts right away. It is a slow thing that builds over the years and eventually makes people look at their spouses in a negative way.
Have you started the process of being numb toward your spouse? If you have then you have to find a way to change this, to keep your marriage alive and thriving. Yes we all go through seasons where we just feel numb in life. The key is to not let life be the downfall of your marriage.
But what causes this numbness? Do you realize that the more you enjoy a conversation with someone of the opposite sex, the less you will start to enjoy conversations with your spouse? Many people will not agree with me here but this is the start of the numbness.
Think about this, you start talking with several people of the opposite sex through facebook and you really enjoy the conversation. Then you start to get to the point of comparing your marriage to this friendship. This starts the resentment in your marriage.
Next thing you know you meet for coffee or lunch over work or whatever and then it starts from there. Many years ago Andy Stanley said in one of his sermons that of all the marriage counseling he has done over the years where cheating was involved, all but the exception of one started either over coffee or lunch.
What happens when you develop these friendships is you start to open up to them about what is going on in your marriage. They then try to be there for you so emotions start to follow. Once you get to this point, unless you pull away you will eventually cross the line. It isn’t if but when.
A lot of people get involved in these deep conversations with this other person when they should be doing that with their spouse. Communication is the problem but they are communicating with the wrong person.
Life gets in the way a lot of times. People start to work 60+ hours a week and never spend any time together. Time is another key issue. I know people who say but we like not spending much time together, it makes us stronger. REALLY? You believe this lie that satan has on you?
I have many people tell me that their dad worked 60 hours a week and he was always there for them and their mom. Here is the problem with that logic, 20 years ago you didn’t have all this technology as you have today so people worked 60 hours a week back then and came home to be with their families.
In today’s society, you work 60 hours a week but bring home 15-20 hours of work because technology now makes this possible. Yes I know there are some jobs that this doesn’t happen but for the most part, people bring 15-20 hours a week home. So in reality you are working 75-80 hours not the 60 you thought.
You can’t make a family work when you are working like that. Many people try to prove that wrong but I haven’t seen that happen much. Yes I have seen a few exceptions to this rule but that’s not the norm!
There has to be sacrifice to make a marriage work with both parties. You may have to sacrifice your career for your family but you should never sacrifice your family for your career!
I hear people say but I want to give my family everything I didn’t have. Here is the problem, almost always this is material possessions. It has nothing to do with what really matters. Instead of giving your family everything you didn’t have, why not give them everything you did have like love?
I never hear people say they want to give their families what they did have. I know I want to give my family the love that I had growing up. I want to make sure my wife and son know that I love them and that I am willing to sacrifice lifestyle in order to be there with them.
Who is really raising your kids? Who is really being there for your spouse? If not you then who? It better be you or the day will come when you regret it. If not now then when?
Don’t allow this to happen to your marriage. It takes time and effort to make a marriage work. Strong Marriages don’t just happen. They happen because people are intentional about marriage.
When was the last time you had fun together? This is another issue I see in marriages. People don’t enjoy life together. Why would you want to go through your journey in life with someone you don’t want to spend time with? You don’t, so make it enjoyable. You can do this. Add some pizazz in your marriage. It doesn’t take much to turn an average broken- down marriage into something where both people are excited to be together each day. It just takes some spending time together and finding ways to enjoy each other.
Another reason I think Sandy and I have a solid base is that we both are easy to please. I see people try and make their marriages work but one or both people are so hard to please that they give up trying. Don’t be this kind of spouse. Be the spouse that no matter what your loved one does, you are excited. Don’t take them for granted.
For example, there have been only 2 times where Sandy cooked something that came out badly. She doesn’t mind me sharing this by the way. One of the times was soupy stuffing. You know what we both laughed about this and guess what? I ATE it anyway and didn’t complain about it!
I know many men who would have yelled at their spouse because of that. Well if you want something a certain way then you fix it! Quit complaining whether she fixed it right or not. So many people complain about the most stupid things.
What is your common purpose in your marriage? I am not talking about raising kids here but why did God bring the two of you together? There is something that God wants to do in and through the both of you that is going to change lives. You have to figure that out so that you can start working towards that.
I will have to write a part 2 as I feel there are some things I have not hit but this blog post has gotten a little long so I will leave it at this.
Ask God to heal your marriage right now so that both you and your spouse’s heart can change. Ask God to come into the center of your marriage and guide your marriage. Let God know that from this point, your marriage is his marriage and you will follow God’s plan for your marriage.
Living an Inspired Marriage,
Chris Benton
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