Years ago I had a revelation. As we were listening to a sermon, I realized there are 3 basic levels of marriage. Where you are at within that determines where you will end up. 2 of the levels will end badly over time if you stay there and only one can thrive throughout your life.
There is a lot that goes into an extraordinary marriage but if you keep these 3 levels in mind, it will help you as your marriage grows!
The first level is: You do things for your spouse because you feel obligated to. This is a very dangerous level to stay at. This will make your spouse feel like they owe you something when in reality they owe you NOTHING! If you don’t move out of this level soon, you will find yourself in a dead marriage with nowhere to go.
If you feel this way then you need to ask God to become the center of your life and marriage and go from there. If he isn’t the center then you can only go so far.
The second level is: You do things for your spouse because you love him or her. Now you may be saying this must be the one that lasts but you would be wrong. This is probably the most dangerous because at this level you don’t realize that anything is wrong. With the first level, at least you know there are problems but at this level you will not know there are problems until they grow so big that it becomes difficult to work.
Here is what I mean, when we do things for each other because we love each other, there will be times where we don’t get something in return. It could be just that your spouse is having a bad day. It could be that they don’t feel good. It could even be that they have a lot on their mind at that time and are just praying to God to help them.
Then one of the couple becomes resentful because their expectations aren’t being met and as time goes on the expectations become resentments and you fall back to level one. At that point you start feeling like you are growing apart. As you know there is no stagnation in life especially in your marriage. If you aren’t growing as a couple then you are already dying just waiting on your heart to catch up.
The scary part to this level is if you fall back to level 1, it is really hard to recreate momentum in your marriage to move back up. its why many marriages fall apart because once they have moved to level 1, they feel it’s no use but with God all things are possible! Never give up when there is even a glimmer of hope!
The third level is: Here is what you have been waiting on. What is a Level 3 marriage? This level is when you are doing things for your spouse because of your love of Christ! This is where you will find the intimate relationship that God wants for your marriage.
Here is an awesome verse to back up what I am saying here:
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” Ephesians 5:21
When you read that verse what do you hear? This is very important and it is God’s answer to a strong and exciting marriage. This is what God has wanted for marriage.
This hit us a while back when we discussed this. God knew that when we do things for each other and only for each other that we would disappoint one another from time to time BUT if we serve each other because of our love for Christ then we will not resent our spouse if they don’t act like we wanted them to act.
If you resent your spouse then you have not put Christ in the center of your marriage. This is not saying that you should let your spouse walk all over you but that if your strength comes from Christ then that is who you lean on in these tough times.
God can change your spouse BUT you can’t! Do not try and change them or you both will just start resenting each other. Allow God to work in your marriage and in him or her as you grow. It is God’s timing not yours. God will do his work on his time but you have to do your work.
For example, the first 5 years of our marriage was hell for Sandy because of my addictions. She went through a lot. I never crossed the line of cheating or physical abuse but I did cross over lines.
God was working on me even when she didn’t realize it. She prayed every night for God to heal me. She was broken because she didn’t know what to do.
She chose to love me through my addictions. Some people would say that she allowed me to walk over her but I disagree. She allowed me to experience God’s love & grace through her! Because of her strength through those trying times, we sit here today with a marriage that is stronger than ever! I owe a lot to God and her for being there when I truly needed it.
When you get to the point where you are loving your spouse through Christ, you will be at a level better than you can ever imagine. It is a great feeling to have. I always say that I am so grateful that God has allowed me to see Sandy through his eyes. If he would not show me how he sees her then who knows where we would be right now. I thank him for this gift. The gift of love.
Go out and find a way to love your spouse through Christ and watch what happens in your marriage. God may test you because everything is in his timing. Your answer may not come for weeks or even a month or even a year but when he moves in, look out. The blessing he has for your marriage will show and you will never regret the tough times you went through because they helped shape who you are in Christ.
Living an Inspired Marriage,
Chris Benton
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