As I look back, I have always been an emotional kind of guy but today I think my emotions are through the roof. This is not saying that my emotions are so out of control that I have lost all sense of reality. That’s not the kind of emotions I am talking about. I am talking about the kind that you feel deep inside. Sometimes I can watch a commercial and end up in tears. I can watch a happy or sad movie and end up in tears. But Sandy also knows that when I need to be strong, I am there for her too. I am not all sappy and no strength.
I think my emotions comes form going through 19 years of addictions. You see people use drugs and alcohol in order to hide or mask over their true emotions. Anyone who knows people that use, knows that they are some of the most emotional people on earth. They just try and hide it. They want to just feel numb instead of dealing with whatever is going on.
People will also say that men are just not emotional but is that really true? Ever watch most men watching their favorite team win or lose? Are they emotional then? Most are because men just like women have emotions. It’s just society has placed men in this box that if you have emotions you are not a real man. God created us to have emotions, all people not just women.
Sometimes you have to dig deep to find a husbands emotions but they are there and when he opens them up, it’s a beautiful thing.
So what does a husband do when hes hidden all those emotions for years and don’t know how to bring them out?
1) Always Start With Prayer: Always ask God to help you get to your feelings. Sometimes prayer is all you need but no matter what its always where you should start on everything. As we run our marriage ministry, prayer is a very important part of what we do. You may be like me where prayer is a weakness but the more you pray the easier it will get. Through pray comes emotions.
2) Dig Into Your Past: Your past is so important. many leadership and marriage teachers will say to forget your past and move on but that’s so far from the truth. Like I will talk about in our book Broken Together: Healing Your Marriage Through Your Past, it is the gateway into why you act and do the things you do today. You can only change your future if you go back and connect the dots. There are reasons why a husband is holding back his emotions and it can be traced back to his past.
3) Talk With Your Wife: It is very important to talk with your wife about this especially if you are working on changing your deep emotions. By allowing her in, she can help you understand you even more because shes always around you. She knows you inside and out. She should know you more than any other human on earth. Your wife can be your greatest asset if you allow her to be. In most cases, wives are not out to beat down their husbands, they truly just want to be let in.
4) Read & Listen More: I can only write from a Christian perspective so read & listen to more things of God. Read great marriage and communication books plus the bible. One of our favorite is Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. It is a powerful book. Read at least one marriage & communication book a month. Of course add our book Broken Together to the mix once it comes out as it will help you look back at your past.
Listen to marriage & communication sermons. I always tell people if they are married and do 1 hour of personal development a day, she should also do 1 hour of marriage development too. You should be willing to do equal amount of marriage growth things as you do personal growth things. Sandy and I listen to around 5-7 sermons a week along with participating in our local church. It has done wonders for our growth together.
When you read & listen, always do it with your spouse. Even if you can’t be there physically together when you are reading or listening, find time at the end of the day to discuss what you have read & listened to for that day.
I truly believe if you pray then dig into your past to learn, talk with your wife and read & listen, you will find that your emotions will start to come out. You will be on your way to an emotional journey! They might not at first but do this everyday and God will help you become the man he created you to be. It’s not about being a man’s man but being a Man of Steel & Velvet which is also a great book!
Do you know the benefit of doing all this? It will build an intimate relationship between you and your wife like never before. If you lost that passion, it will bring it back. It doesn’t take much to bring passion back into a marriage that once had it. If you still have passion, this will build on that. This is not everything but this is a great start to building the kind of intimacy that God wants within a marriage!
Living an Inspired Marriage,
Chris Benton
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