When I say intimacy, people think of many different things but most times men and women see this word different. Men see this as sex while women see this as closeness. What people have to understand is men need feel connected inside the bedroom to be connected outside the bedroom and women need to feel connected outside the bedroom to be connected inside the bedroom. The problem is, who goes first? It is a catch 22 sometimes.
True intimacy is seeing all of it. Both husbands and wives looking into each others eyes and feeling like time just stands still. I recently posted on facebook that after 15 years of marriage and tens of thousands of hours of conversation, when Sandy and I talk, time still stands still. To me that’s intimacy.
Building it is a whole another story because it takes both. You can’t build it one-sided,Yes husbands, you have to participate too. This isn’t just jumping in the bed. It’s a whole lot more. And men, when done right, you will see the closeness that even you feel towards your wife will grow too in ways that you may not want to admit!
One of the first things you need to building intimacy is full transparency. Transparency builds trust and that in turns builds intimacy. Without it, you won’t have a marriage and you for sure won’t have an intimate relationship.
Another issue is, you have to build that friendship. When you are transparent filly naked in your marriage, you will build a friendship that is 2nd to none. I see so many women and even some men say I can’t date him or her because thats my best friend, we are too close. When I hear that I realize they dont understand the meaning of love because true love is built on the strongest friendships. Every marriage will crumple that doesn’t have a strong friendship.
Sometimes they may be using we are best friends or too close friends as an excuse because she or he is just not attracted. Thats another story but it’s one or the other when someone says “I can’t date them because of friendship”.
What are you doing together each day? Intimacy can’t survive in marriage is it’s from holiday to holiday kind of intimacy. I don’t believe it can survive even if its a weekend kind of intimacy. It has to be daily or the day will come when it starts to fade and when that fade happens, it happens so fast that before you know it, both of you feel like you have grown apart.
I believe intimacy can survive at most 90 days before a fade happens. Its why you see people come back from their honeymoon where they built up so much and it’s all new and fresh then life happens and within 90 days, both seem to have some changes in their marriage.
They are starting to look at each other different. The passion is fading some but they have been told by people they respect that passion always fade in marriage that its normal so then the marriage turns into a companion marriage. Sandy and I so disagree with this philosophy. We have never bought into that lie and thats exactly what it is. Its a lie the enemy tries to build in your mind.
The enemy knows he won’t win just attacking your marriage because when you are intimate, you are closer than ever. He can’t win when you are fully connected but if he can plant in your minds and hearts that passion does fade and have you accept that, he has you right where he wants you then.
All he has to do is wait for that passion to fade and he can start putting things in your minds that will cause both of you to become enemy’s. He will use both of your past in a way that comes out in arguments and you won’t be able to even see it because it comes disguised as Christian advice.
So what do you have to do to keep intimacy alive?
Bring God into the mix: Both of you fully surrender to God and fully submit to each other. (Ephesians 5:21 – submitting to one another in the fear of God). When both of you are doing this, you start to understand each other and you are doing it for God and each other.
Laugh together and often: People realize that laughter if really the best medicine like they always have said. Laughter in marriage is a game-changer. Without it, you will have a dead marriage but with it, you can turn a dead marriage into one thats fun and exciting.
Get to know each other: Find out what makes each other tick. You may have thought you knew but the odds are you never really did because dating can blind you to this. Find out what your dreams and goals in life are. Have they changed since you married and if so, discuss this. This can be hard for some people but if you are willing to be transparent, intimacy will follow. This builds trust.
Learn each others past: This will be really hard for some people because of the trust factor but if you do this right, this will take your marriage to a whole new level with intimacy! Find out the good, the bad and even the ugly. Don’t hold back here because both of you want to be transparent. This is where you will grow the most. This is also where many affairs start because of two people that should not be sharing this kind of things do and they form an intimate bond. Yes, this is that powerful! This is a game-changer in my eyes because when both of you can understand fully each others past, you can start to understand why your spouse acts and does some of the things they do. You start to realize, WOW no wonder they do this or that. I get it now!
Study together: This is another growth part. Do your best to study each day because remember, intimacy is built in what you do each day not from holiday to holiday. Sandy and I have put over 10,000 hours of marriage and communication study in the 17 years of our marriage from books, to sermons to audios, to conferences to just sitting down talking about situations that we see out there. Now I am NOT telling you to do this much study because Sandy and I have been called to marriage ministry so that’s a part of why we do so much
But if you are like most you probably do an hour of personal growth daily? Why not also do an hour of marriage growth daily too? Don’t have the time then do 30 minutes of personal growth and 30 minutes of marriage growth. You have to do the marriage and communication growth if you want a thriving marriage. Sandy and I never wanted an average marriage and if you are reading this, you probably wanted an extraordinary marriage just like we wanted!
Date night at least once a week: Do you remember all the things you did while dating? Well do your best to bring those back into the picture. I never understand why people do so much before marriage then they quit doing the things that made them fall in love with each other. Make special memories together because that will sustain you for the long haul. You will have special memories to remind you what was during tough times because we all go through tough times in marriage. No one ever said marriage would be easy and come naturally and if you think that, you better change your thinking.
Build a shared vision: I saved this for last because I believe that this is the most important one to keep that intimacy alive and well. I don’t believe you can do any one thing but if one can sustain you the most, it will be this one because building this you will have to hit all the others too.
So many people get married with their own visions and dreams but God says to become one when you marry. How can you be one if you both have different visions? This part is my opinion only but I believe if you are a Christian married couple, you should be either in business together, in ministry together or at least working towards that together.
When a husband & wife both have a shared-vision from God, nothing can stop that couple!
Business and Ministry are 2 of the most powerful ways for couples to become one. A shared vision is a must for an inspired and powerful marriage
Don’t ever say you could never work with your spouse because with God all things are possible.
When both husband and wife fully surrender to God with his guidance and fully submit to each other, working together becomes an extraordinary experience in your marriage.
God changes everything!
There is a lot more I could add on building intimacy but you get the picture. Make memories. Have fun in marriage including being intimate in the bedroom. Build a shared vision together and you will be on your way to a lifelong marriage!
Living an Inspired Marriage,
Chris Benton
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