Have you turned your back on your spouse because of pride? I wrote recently about this topics towards addictions called “Are Addictions Really a Disease or Does It Even Matter?”. I talked about how many people are looking towards addictions like its a choice and people can just stop but it’s a little more complicated than that. Read the article and you will see what I mean.
On to this topic, “Have you become the prodigal son’s brother towards your spouse”? You may be thinking what am I talking about. Remember the brother was always full of pride. He always did what he was suppose to do so when his brother left and them came back broke, even though he did wrong his father took him back and raised the roof for him. The brother was furious of this because of the pride in his heart. He thought all this time I have done everything right and my brother has done everything wrong but he still gets this treatment? He got the Grace from his father the way that God gives it to us. He had no idea that he was so full of pride but yet as we read the story, we see it in full affect.
How does this even remotely relate to marriage? I am glad you asked! You see we all come into marriage with baggage. We are all broken at different degrees. Let’s use my wife and I as an example:
God brought us together for a reason. We both have no doubt about that. She could have judged me right from the beginning or even in our early years but never did. You see, She never had a boyfriend before me even though she was 25. She never drank, smoked, did drugs or had sex before me. She was raised in a Christian home and believed in God with all her heart. She was as innocent as they come. I have never met anyone like her in my life. On the other hand, I not only did all that but way more than just that. I was as bad as they come from many years of addictions to jail to hanging with the wrong crowds. You name it, I probably did it through the years.
When we first started chatting online, I told her everything. I never wanted to hide anything in case we fall in love. Why would I not be transparent right upfront? That way I know if we should continue getting to know each other. We had a connection like I can’t explain. We have always had that even in the rough times. I told her all about my past, how I destroyed my first marriage through addictions. To this day when we see old friends of mine, stories of my past still come up that shes never heard. That’s how much damage I did before I married her.
Then my mom passes away 6 months after we marry and I move to what I knew best and that was addictions. I almost destroyed my marriage because of that. She held strong on God’s word that my heart would change. She always uplifted me, never put me down even though I deserved it so many times. She loved me through the addictions. Many people tell us that she allowed me to walk over her those early years but thats not true. She allowed me to experience God’s authentic love through her! It was as pure as can be.
She could have easily said, I don’t deserve any of this and she would have been right. Grace is not given to people who deserve it, it’s given to people who don’t deserve it. Even after God healed me from those addictions, she still could have held a resentful attitude like look at what I had to go through for you to change but she never held any of that kind of attitude. She loved me before, she loved me after in the same way. Her love didn’t change because of circumstances and she never through the years tried to bring that past up because to her, that was already handled. It took us years to get there but we got there. Thats a pure love and a pure heart.
So through all this she could have judged me like most spouses would have. She could have said I won’t love him unless he acts a certain way like most couples do. They play these tit-for-tat games with each other. It becomes a conditional kind of love. It’s not the love that God called us to have towards each other but if you don’t act like me, I pull my love from you.
It can get even worse, I have seen couples fight over not acting a certain way through the same circumstances. You mean to tell me my spouse won’t treat certain circumstances the same way as I do? Nope and they are not supposed to. They see life through different lens. We react to circumstances in different ways. Judging your spouse because they react different is becoming the brother!
It’s real easy for a spouse to say well I never did that so ___________. They just became that brother. Or they say things like I would never have done that even under those circumstances. Again, they have become that brother. When your spouse tells you things from their past, your job is to listen and understand not hold the judges gavel waiting to lay the hammer down.
Sometimes you may do things different than the way your spouse does them and call your way the right way. Again, you have just became the brother. Don’t ever confuse preference with fact. That’s huge in marriage. Preference says I like to do things this way but fact says this is the only way to do it. Do you see the difference?
It’s ok for us to have difference preferences. In fact the odds are on many issues you will have that and thats where compromise comes into play. What Sandy and I do is, if an issue comes up that she has a preference for one way and it’s something I could care less, we do it her way. If the opposite happens then we do it my way. When we both have a strong preference thats where we work out a compromise that both of us can agree with. We always go for the same page on everything even if its through a compromise because becoming one in marriage takes work.
I love the verse:
Ephesians 5:21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
That one verse if built a marriage around, you could sustain a lifetime of Joy from it. It says it all. When both people submit to each other not through love but because they love Christ, that changes everything. I wrote an article a while back called “3 Levels of Marriage” that talks about that.
Marriage is hard enough without judging each other but when you add judgement into the mix, it becomes almost impossible to create intimacy. Judgement creates a toxic environment in your marriage. You need to rid all pride from your heart.
Maybe they didn’t go through what you did as a child but you are together now and thats what matters. Before you snap at your spouses behavior, ask first why are they doing this? Sit down with them to discuss their past. Maybe them opening up about their past will help you see some things that you never thought about. It may help you from becoming the Prodigal Son’s brother because when pride rises intimacy falls! But the opposite is true too, when you surrender your pride, intimacy rises!
I will add one last example, let’s say the husband has always been a momma’s boy and the wife has always worked hard all her life for everything even if its not much. The wife can become resentful towards her husband because it seems like life is always handed to him while it’s not been that way for her. She starts to feel just like the Prodigal Son’s brother, full of pride and that may even lead to some anger.
I could really hit so many pride issues but I think you get the point. You always have to ask are you letting pride into your heart over certain things.
I hope before your next argument in your marriage that before you snap at your spouse, you will ask God “Is my heart right”? No one said living with pure love would be easy but it is what God wants for our marriages! When both husband and wife are living this way with this kind of pure love, nothing can stop them!
Living an Inspired Marriage,
Chris Benton
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